The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
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Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?