The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
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me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.