The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
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Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I falcon love using swear birds
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*