The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
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Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.