The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
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A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I’m confused about plants
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch