the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
You Might Also Like
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
What if the weather talks about us?
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading