The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
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Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I think we should hear other voices.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.