I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
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*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]