The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
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I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?