The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
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Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.