The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
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If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about