The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
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“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!