The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
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“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
BaD BoY!!
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?