The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
You Might Also Like
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane