The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
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The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Received some very disappointing news today
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me