The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
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Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.