The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
You Might Also Like
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth