The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
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I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.