The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
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If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Steam Forums
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.