@elle91: The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
@_Tempo11: Pro tip: Don't moan when getting a pat down at airport security
@DanKCharnley: he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
@HlaoRoo: NRA member: I've got guns. I'm in charge.
Me: That's nice. I've got bubonic plague - "cough, cough" - now you do, too.
@adult_keverage: Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI's.
@the_paramedicK: What idiot named her Miley Cyrus' grandma and not Nana Montana.