The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
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ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*