The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
felt cute might bury dad later idk
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Breaking news:
Holy moly
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”