The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
You Might Also Like
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Today’s Times
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
They’re called werewolves.
August 8
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.