The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
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I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Don’t snitch tag.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Still a very good boi….
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.