The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
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that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
This is not me but this is me
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕