The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
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Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!