You Might Also Like
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!