DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
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It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Succinctly put.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
[adds another nod to the conversation]