The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
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When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
What is going on? 😅
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”