[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
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My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Animal poetry
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.