The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
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My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
The three genders.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”