The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
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Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh