@weinerdog4life: The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
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@PhilJamesson: Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot. [fall down stairs as I leave]
@juneohara65: I just got a text from someone I don't know. They say they're sick and vomitting. Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
@NikiWithIssues: I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"