the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
You Might Also Like
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
LMAO
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”