The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
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Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?