The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.