The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
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I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Some people were born into their job.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
estão todos miauvindo?
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.