I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
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Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
This pepper has seen some shit
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two