All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
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Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Spa day..😅
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I gave up going to work for lent.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey