[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
You Might Also Like
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?