The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
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Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don鈥檛 wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pok猫mon
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 馃槝 You got this 馃挭
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Why aren鈥檛 you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That鈥檚 beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you鈥檙e right that鈥檚 better. Carl鈥檚 is better.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice