The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
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My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Spring cleaning checklist…
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]