The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
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Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.