@sbellelauren: the craziest thing about today's story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
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@Jacob_Swift16: A cop just told me that i have way too many buddha statues for there to not be drugs in the house
@mjkspeaks: Maybe Jehovah's Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they're looking for Heaven's Door. You don't know.
@MattShiney: "The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor" - inventor of carpet toliet seat covers