the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
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Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.