“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
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I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
this is uni
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney: