Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
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One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.