[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
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I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.