@degg: the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "not great man ive got diarrhea" i told him
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@TheBoydP: My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend's house for the evening like she didn't see me get in the pool.
@chewlongkok_: [On phone to police] Has there been a report of a pervert in the park? P: No, there hasn't. Me: oh good. [Goes back to hiding in bushes]
@JohnLyonTweets: -Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. -He has sex with fish? -He's dead. -I'm not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn't sound very safe.
@RealDMK: Daughter (5): "Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline" Me: "Well you're short and can't spell chrysanthemum"