the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
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“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Passwords are more important than ever.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!