The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
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Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
cry laughing at this shit
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
pls suprot
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.